this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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