its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Oh god it's open bar.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
