The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
