FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
