The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
