so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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