i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
