dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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