god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We left an ass print on the piano.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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