Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
