Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
