Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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