why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
