fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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