I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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