im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
