She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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