Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
