Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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