is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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