Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
