Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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