I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
