Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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