you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
