and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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