alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
