Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
