I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
