Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
