Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
