I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
