someone threw a dead crab at me
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need water and some morals
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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