I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I want her autograph on my taint
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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