she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
