I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
