Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
