dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
