I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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