even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
