when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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