4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize