A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
