True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
