So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think I won the penis lottery.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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