I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
