I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
