Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
