I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
