I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
