Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
