i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
