Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
