she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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