I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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