Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
