I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
