I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
