You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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