the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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