batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
