I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you never un-have a 4some
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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