Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
