dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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