Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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