Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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